Through all the tears and all the lies

My mother and father tag-teamed me the other day. They decided to suggest that I start watching and listening to Joyce Meyer, whom they believe is the voice sent from the darkness to touch their souls and bring them into the light. (Not that my parents are “heathens,” in fact, they became acquainted with each other through being Sunday School teachings, and proceeded to bring myself and my siblings up as good Southern Baptists.)

“She gave an excellent sermon on the way that most Christians are judgemental.” I scoffed. Well, duh.

My mother frowned at this. “What are you saying about me?”

“Nothing,” I said. I hadn’t been thinking about her at all. I had been thinking about the Christians who told me that I was wrong to be a vegetarian, as God gave us dominion over the animals and so we should exercise that dominion. I was thinking of the Christians who told me that being friends with a Jewish person was wrong, much less a homosexual person or- God forbid!- a non-believer.

(It only makes it that much more awesome that my friends are 95% made up of Jewish people, homosexual people and non-believers.)

But this is not why I am questioning my faith.

Almost nine months ago, I started dating one of my best friends, who is a scientist and an atheist. He is very strongly anti-religion.

But this is not why I am questioning my faith.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. Since, I have lost my major (and subsequently my current path to my life goal) two boyfriends and many friends because of this disorder.

But this is not why I am questioning my faith.

The moment when I started to question my faith was when I was reading through an entry on Blag Hag detailing her visit to the Creationism Museum. About halfway through, a picture was posted showing the order in which things were created by God.

And then I noticed it.

God created plants before He created the sun.

I immediately called my dad, floundering and blustering and just wanting to know why.

“Well, God created light first. So I think that’s more powerful, that light comes from God, not the sun,” my dad explained.

“So God’s light powers photosynthesis?”

“He’s God,” my dad explained. “He can do what He wants.”

For the first time in my life, this explanation failed to be enough for me.

“The part that is bothering you,” my dad went on to further say, “Is that this goes against logic.”

And for the first time, this lack of logic wounded me.

Could my beloved Bible, the source of my strength, the source of my convictions, the text in which I had been putting my faith… could this Bible be even partially fiction?

And so, I am on a mission. I want to rediscover the Bible. I want to see if, in the process, I will rediscover God. Concurrently, I will read as much commentary and outside sources as possible, covering the gamut of beliefs. I will explore other religions and see what they teach. I will read as many books as possible.

And I will do it all in the next six months.

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One thought on “Through all the tears and all the lies

  1. Just read this, loved it. Honor the search, honor the trail, honor the adventure of the roads you travel– p.s., they all lead home.

    Most of all, honor what you feel– it will never lead you astray.

    “No retreat, baby, no surrender.” Bruce Springsteen

    xo, Michael

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